Taking Time
by Deathangel125
Summary: Trowa reflects on his relationships, past and present


Disclaimer: Not mine, no matter how much I want them. Don't sue, all I have is my kids and a lot of headaches.

Pairings: 3+2, past 3x4, 4+5, 1+R

Warnings: Sap, sap, sap and a bit more sap. It has a hint of something that I hesitate to call angst because that's just too strong a word for it. Shonen-ai, yaoi-ish. No lemon (gasp)

Authors Note: This is something that came to mind when two of my friends announced their divorce, their reasons being that they 'grew apart.' The results are as follows.

Feedback: Please let me know what you think! Pretty please! I'm desperate for opinions.

On with the fic!

I don't know when things started to go wrong between Quatre and me. At some point, I ceased to be a person and became something that resembled background noise, I guess. You know, that sound that you know is there but you just ignore it until it really starts to irritate you? I became that. I didn't even realize that it had happened, and I think that's the worst part about the whole thing.

It wasn't a sudden change…it wasn't abrupt. It was a gradual thing that happened over time, and I either didn't notice, or didn't care enough to pay any attention. Quatre never told me he wanted me to go away, but he never told me that he wanted me there, either. I didn't even notice that we were growing apart until Duo invited me for an evening out, something we had did at least once a week, and I didn't tell Quatre where I was going. It wasn't something I thought about until after I got back home, worried that Quatre had been concerned. When I got to the bedroom and started to undress, Quatre had asked me if I had decided to go for a walk.

A walk? I had been gone for hours and he hadn't even noticed I was gone. I asked him about it a few days later, and he looked at me like I was crazy. After I had told him I had gone out with Duo, he actually said that I hadn't left the house in months.

For a few minutes, I actually wondered if I was going crazy. Had I imagined going out to dinner, to the movies, to the park? To assure myself that I wasn't completely losing my mind, I called Duo as soon as I left the room. It was only slightly comforting to learn that I had gone out with Duo several times. When I shared with him what was going on, he said he would come and talk to Quatre immediately. He also said something that stayed on my mind for several months, and I thought I had imagined it until much, much later. Just as I was getting ready to hang up, I heard his voice through the phone, softly, a little sad. "If Quatre doesn't know how lucky he is, I'll have to let him know."

I never did find out what was said between the two of them, but Duo was banned from the house. Quatre's exact words were, "That bastard is no longer allowed in my home. He needs to learn to keep his nose out of things that don't concern him. Until then, I don't want him in my house." I didn't know what to think about that. Quatre and Duo had always been close, but whatever had been said that day tore them apart. They are on speaking terms now, but just barely.

After that, things got better between me and Quatre for a while. He started to pay more attention to me, and I tried in return. I really did try. I got up every day with the intention of spending time with him, talking to him, staying with him. We got along pretty well during that time. It wasn't like it had been right after the war, when we had pretty much stayed in bed for days on end, but we were both making the effort we needed stay together. We only had one thing that we still argued about.

Duo.

I knew Quatre didn't like me hanging out with Duo, and I wasn't willing to give up my weekly outings with him. I looked forward to Saturday every week. It was the one thing I actually looked forward to. Even though things were better with Quatre, we were more like two relatives that happened to live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. Distant relatives. Very distant relatives. I went through every day in a fog, only becoming fully aware on Saturday afternoons when I met Duo at his apartment.

I had stopped giving any conscious thought to my relationship with Quatre a long time before Duo ever forced me to really look at the issue. We were sitting at one the tables in a small diner, one of our favorite places to eat. It struck me at the time that it was a place Quatre wouldn't eat in, thinking the food was low quality, simply because it was a diner. It was just one of the major differences between us that I was just starting to see. I was sipping on my tea when Duo spoke.

"Do you love him?"

"Of course," I answered without thinking about it. Really, why would I think about it? I had been with Quatre for years. Of course I loved him…didn't I?

"Do you?" I swear sometimes he could read my mind. He still does that, by the way.

Instead of answering him immediately, I stopped to think about it, really think about it. I knew I cared about him, I enjoyed being with him, but did I really love him? Looking up, I had to ask, "How do you know when you love someone?" Duo stared at me for a long time, face serious. "Have you ever loved anyone, Duo?"

At the question he smiled, one of the honest smiles that he doesn't use a lot. He shook his head and set his fork down. "I've loved a few people, Trowa. Have I ever been in love? Once."

"What's the difference?"

The smile he gave me was wistful and a little sad, "When you love someone, you want them to be happy and safe. You enjoy spending time with them, and hope for the best for them. When something happens to them, you feel bad and want to make them feel better. When you are in love with someone…you think about them all the time. If you know that you are going to see them, you look forward to it. When you finally get to see them, your heart starts beating faster and it feels like it's going to swell out of your chest. You want to protect them and make sure nothing bad ever happens to them. Sometimes it's even painful if you see them hurting or in pain."

"So you mean that being in love is painful?"

"In my case, yeah. It's not that way for everyone, though. Some people float on cloud nine all the time, like Heero and Relena."

I thought about Heero and Relena and how they acted together. She had been able to get him to open up in a way no one else ever had, and they were obviously happy together. It showed in the way they looked at each other and in the small touches they shared almost constantly.

In that instant I could see the truth. I loved Quatre, I really did. But I had never been in love with him. At least I didn't think I was. Duo must have recognized the expression on my face because he gave a soft laugh and patted my hand. "Give it some time and think about it, Trowa. You'll work things out."

After that night I found myself giving the subject a lot of thought. I found myself watching Quatre and thinking about it. It was kind of depressing that I felt none of the things Duo had described. I wasn't sure if I had felt any of them with Quatre, not in our entire time together.

In the start of our relationship, it was all heat and fire. The adrenaline of battle combined with the need to have someone to touch. It was all about proving we were still alive, still human. How we had gone from that to merely existing I couldn't understand.

Now that I realized that I wasn't in love with Quatre, what was I supposed to do? My life had revolved around his. The only real friends I had other than Quatre were Duo, Wufei, and Heero. I didn't have to worry about money, so if I moved out I would be fine, thanks to a huge settlement from the government at the end of the war. They said it was a way to thank us for the effort we had put into gaining peace for the Earth and the colonies. Duo said it was a way for them to feel less guilty that five kids had basically ended the war. I had to agree with Duo.

I knew that Duo would let me move in with him for a while if I needed to. When that thought ran through my mind, I had to sit down. A series of memories had run through my brain, all of Duo at various times. My heart suddenly sped up and felt tight, my breath sped up and I felt warm all over.

It had happened to me before, these feelings, but I hadn't really thought about it. I was with Quatre and that's where my life began and ended, or so I had believed at the time. I didn't really know how long it had been that I had been experiencing these…symptoms…around my best friend, but it had apparently been occurring long enough for me to think it was normal.

I compared how I felt about the two of them, sitting on the edge of the bed I shared with Quatre every night. It might have been a strange place to think of such a thing, but it was where I was at the time. In any case, Quatre and I hadn't shared the bed as lovers for many, many months.

So how did I feel around Quatre? Comfortable, I guess. And that made sense, considering I had been with him for the last four years. Was I still attracted to him? Yes. Quatre was and is, an attractive man. He has grown up and filled out in the last four years. He lost a lot of the boyishness he had to his looks. Did I love him? Yes. Was I in love with him? No. Could I see us growing old together? Again, no. Did I want to have sex with him again? No. It would be too odd now that I realized how I really felt. Was I really and truly happy with him? No.

Now on to Duo. How did I feel around Duo? Excited, happy, alive. Uh-oh. Was I attracted to Duo? That was a definite yes. There had been several times that I had had to force myself not to stare at him. When Quatre had grown up, he had changed a lot, and while I still found him attractive, it was more in a general sense. Duo had also filled out, though he hadn't gained that much height, remaining the smallest of the five of us. Still, there had always been something about him that had drawn my eye, an innate sensuality that even he was unaware of. Shit. Did I love him? Yes, without question. Oh my god. Was I in love with him? Hmmm. Yes. Oh, double shit. Could I see us growing old together? Again, yes, without question. Living with Duo would be an experience that would be exciting and breath-taking all at once. Did I want to have sex with him? Oh yeah. Just the idea made a shiver run up my spine. Oh hell. Was I really and truly happy when I was with him? Yes. I was in such trouble.

Now what the hell was I gonna do? I just figured out that I wasn't in love with the man that was my partner. Instead I was in love with my best friend. Talk about a fucked up situation. This little revelation shocked the hell out of me, and I found that I couldn't move. Quatre found me there some hours later. He didn't really seem all that surprised when I told him we needed to talk.

We sat up late into the night, talking in a way we hadn't done in years. While we were both saddened by what was happening, we agreed it would be best if we separated. He told me that he had finally figured out that he wasn't in love with me either, and had been trying to figure out how to tell me. The next day when we got up, he helped me pack some of my things, enough for a few days until I figured out what I was going to do.

I was glad we ended things when we did and remained close friends. If we had stayed together, we would have hated and resented each other by the time we were done. Knowing that we could stay friends made me happy, and my heart felt a bit lighter.

When I was leaving that afternoon, he stopped me with a hand on my arm. His eyes had more emotion in them than I had seen in a long time. His smile was happy and at peace when he spoke, "Go tell Duo how you feel." I stared at him in shock for a few minutes, baffled by his advice. He sighed, shaking his head at me in mock frustration, "He's been in love with you for years, you idiot."

Calling myself a fool, I drove around for several hours, trying to gather the courage I needed for my next task. By the time I managed to get to Duo's house it was already dark. When I knocked on the door, he opened it instantly, brow furrowed in confusion. "Trowa?"

He was dressed for a night out, telling me he probably had a date. My body automatically tightened in response to the tight jeans and silk shirt he wore, something that had happened to me many times before. This time I actually paid attention to it, even while a thousand doubts went through my mind. I should have called before coming; I should have thought this through a little better. All those doubts were put to rest when he smiled, opening the door wider for me to come in.

He went a made a quick phone call and I had was far too pleased when I heard him say that he probably wouldn't be calling the other person anytime soon. When he came back to sit on the couch beside me, a beer in each hand, I started talking. I think I spoke more in an hour than I ever had at once. His face revealed that he was stunned by what had happened between me and Quatre.

I told him that I couldn't stay with Quatre, knowing I wasn't in love with him. He nodded his head sagely. When I said that I was in love with someone else, his eyes showed me a pain that I never thought I would see from him, the eternal optimist. He kept his smile, though it was strained, even as he asked me who it was.

After I kissed him, the pain was gone and the smile was real, happy tears trailing down his face. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry, but I figured that since it was because he was happy it was ok. "How long?" I had to ask, knowing he would understand what I meant. He always understood what I meant.

"Trust me, you don't want to know or you'll think I'm really pathetic."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

I honestly believe that Duo can do embarrassed and guilty better than anyone I know. His face reddened and he scratched the back of his head, not wanting to meet my eyes. Finally he shrugged, "You were with Quatre. It was enough just to see you every week. I probably would have never asked you about anything if I thought you were happy."

Like I said, he always understood. I think he knows more about me that I do sometimes. He says it's from years of watching me. I know, even now, that if I had said I loved someone other than him, he never would have admitted anything. It would have been enough for him to know that I was happy. I just wish I had figured it out sooner. If I had, we could have had much more time together.

But, sitting here watching him as he operates the grill with a dedication he used to have while blowing things up, I know that we will have the rest of our lives. He's talking to Quatre, and they are both hesitant when they speak, choosing words carefully, still trying to mend the bond that has been broken between them. Duo has been surprisingly accommodating to Quatre, as he is every time Quatre comes over, trying to make up for whatever it was that he said that day.

I don't know what it was that Quatre said, but they both look at me and burst out laughing. Curious, I rise and walk to them, wrapping my arm around Duo's waist. Sometimes I swear that my arms were made for him, he fits so well in them. I can't hold in the sigh when he leans against me and brushes his hands up my arms. "What's so funny over here?"

"Just that it took you so long to figure out a few things," Duo tells me, looking up at me innocently. In the time we've been together, I've learned that innocent is one of the things that Duo most definitely is not. He's taught me quite a few things I had never even entertained possible.

Quatre watched us for a moment before turning those sea-blue eyes to me. "Are you happy?"

I look down to where Duo smiles up at me, his eyes full of promise and adventure. "More happy than I ever thought possible," is my answer before I lean down to take Duo's lips with my own.

As always, I get lost in Duo, the rest of the world disappearing around us. It was never this way with Quatre, and he has admitted that he never experienced that feeling either, at least not with me. With my long-haired love, however, I feel like I'm drowning in the feelings he evokes in me. He really was made for me, as I was made for him.

When we part, he is smiling at me gently; stroking my cheek, his eyes shining with a happiness that I know is reflected in my own. He makes me feel alive, and says that I silence his inner demons. Duo has always had a restless spirit, but tells me that I make him feel at peace. It's something that I can actually see in him now, the calmness that surrounds him when we are near each other.

Realizing that Quatre is no longer with us, I look around, smiling when I see him with Wufei. They are talking to Heero and Relena, hands joined under the table. A small chuckle brings my eyes back to Duo, who is smiling at the new couple. "It took them long enough to figure it out, didn't it?"

"Not nearly as long as it took me," I kiss his temple and nuzzle the top of his head, hearing the satisfied sound he makes at the gesture.

"It didn't matter how long it took, Trowa. The important thing is that you did figure it out, eventually."

He turns back to the grill and I move with him, not yet willing to let him go. He leans into me even as he turns the burgers and I have a sudden thought. It's not something I have realized until now, and I have to wonder how I never considered it before. "How long would you have waited for me?" I think I already know the answer, but feel it is important to ask.

"Forever, Trowa. I would have waited forever," is his answer, just as I knew it would be. He pulls me down by the back of my neck and kisses me hungrily, causing a very familiar stirring in my body. Nipping at my lips, he adds, "I'm really glad I didn't have to, though."

Watching him the rest of the day, seeing the small smiles he directs at me, feeling the soft caress of his hand on me, and seeing the light in his eyes when they focus on me makes me realize that I'm really glad he didn't have to either. It just goes to show that you could have the best thing in your life right in front of you for years, but if you never take the time to really look, you could miss it.

I'm glad I finally looked.


End file.
